This post focuses on strategies to maintain safety before you or a loved one leave an abusive relationship. If you or a loved one have experienced domestic violence but have left the relationship, please read this post for more relevant safety strategies. 

Why don’t they just leave?

Deciding to leave a domestic and family violence relationship is often an extremely difficult and personal decision to make, and it will often take several attempts to leave before the separation is permanent.

Many survivors of abuse feel a range of emotions when leaving which can include relief but also grief and loss about the relationship ending. An abusive relationship can impact on a survivor’s emotional wellbeing, including a loss of self-confidence and feeling like they are at fault for the abuse.

Never the fault of the survivor

Domestic and family violence is never acceptable nor ever the fault of the survivor. It is the choice of the person using violence to engage in behaviours designed to intimidate and control their partner and children. This can include the use of physical, emotional, financial, sexual and verbally abusive behaviours designed to create an environment of power, fear and coercion.

It is the responsibility of the person using violence to become aware of their patterns of abuse and take ownership and accountability for how their actions have impacted the safety and wellbeing of their partner and children.

Strategies to keep you safe when planning to leave a domestic violence relationship

There are many things that a survivor can do if they are planning on leaving an abusive relationship that will help to maintain their safety and wellbeing during the separation process. This includes the creation of a safety plan. A specialist domestic and family violence service can help survivors create this plan and also provide information, support and referrals if needed.

What is a safety plan?

A safety plan is a personalised set of actions that the survivor and their children can take to keep themselves safe from the person using violence.

A safety plan can be reviewed and updated as the situation changes.

The survivor may choose to share their safety plan with trusted family, friends or support services who can be there to provide additional help if needed.

Before leaving the relationship

Safety plan actions to consider while still in the relationship include:

• Identifying the best way to leave the house quickly if feeling unsafe. Or if it is not possible to exit the house, identifying the safest room in the house to go to. Often this will be a room with a lockable door.
• Keeping items such as car keys, phone (kept charged) and purse/wallet in a place that is in easy reach if needing to leave quickly.
• Identifying places to go and stay in the short-term if needing to leave the house. This might be to go to a neighbour or family/ friend’s home.
• Teaching children how to call 000 and how to state their name and address for help.
• Coming up with a code word that you can use with your children, family or friends to signal that help is needed and to call 000.
• Letting trusted neighbours know about the situation and to call 000 if they see or hear any abuse.
• Being mindful to delete any internet search history or call logs around domestic violence information, separation or support services.

Pack a bag

An additional step is to prepare a bag with important items that is easy to access. This might be kept at a friend’s house or work and include:

• A change of clothes for all family members leaving
• Any medication and scripts
• Money
• Copies of house keys or car keys
• Devices such as mobile phone or laptop
• ID documents such as birth certificates, marriage certificates, drivers licence, citizenship certificates, passport, visa and work permits.
• Medicare and Centrelink cards
• Domestic Violence Orders
• Other important documentation – rental agreements, mortgage and loan agreements, business paperwork, insurance documents, financial statements, bills and accounts information
• Photos or other sentimental items
• Children’s items – such as a favourite toy or blankie
• Any evidence of abuse – medical records, police incident reports, personal journals

About the author – Renee Craft

Renee Craft is an experienced family support practitioner having worked in the areas of family dispute resolution, child protection and domestic and family violence. Renee currently works for Save the Children Australia as Team Leader for Refuge and Technical Development, overseeing a dedicated team providing support to women and children at Gareema Refuge. Renee has worked in various leadership roles in the DFV sector, including working with people choosing to use violence and regional service-system governance and coordination. 

Renee is a strong advocate for improved service collaboration to provide holistic survivor-led interventions and support to enhance the safety and wellbeing of families whilst finding pathways of accountability for the person using violence. Renee believes that central to achieving this outcome is listening to the voices of children with intentional, child-inclusive practice that recognises their unique experiences, wishes and needs.

Separation – after leaving a domestic violence relationship

Separation is a time to review and update the safety plan, including discussing any changes with children if appropriate. If you have not yet left the relationship, read this post for more relevant information.

Actions to consider include:

• Informing trusted family, friends, neighbours and work colleagues of the separation and keeping them aware of plans or movements.
• Informing children’s school or childcare of the separation and provide a copy of the DVO or any Parenting Orders or parenting plans. Update contacts of people who are authorised to collect the children from care.
• Checking mobile phones and other smart devices that location settings and cloud-sharing settings are switched off. Sometimes spyware apps are downloaded on devices that remotely give access to texts, calls, photos and other information on the device. If this is suspected, consider getting a new phone and number.
• Checking vehicles for any GPS tracking devices
• Changing passwords to email, social media accounts, bank accounts, toll/ public transport accounts, shopping rewards cards, or other online accounts.
• Removing the person using violence from any joint accounts or policies such as MyGov, phone bills, insurance policies.
• Avoiding posting on social media to keep location and activities confidential
• Changing routine and places normally attended where possible.
• Changing the locks on the house and installing a security system with cameras.
• Facilitating child changeovers in a public place – such as childcare centre or police station.
• Avoiding being alone with the person using violence. If needing to communicate about issues related to the children, consider using email or text instead
• Asking to be escorted to and from the car when at work
• Keeping a diary of any ongoing abuse.
• Consideration of applying for a Domestic Violence Order or reporting any breaches to the Police.
• Seeking legal advice around parenting and property settlement matters.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a time of high-risk

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a time of escalated risk for the survivor and children as the person using violence may feel that they are losing power and control over the situation. The person using violence may engage in a number of behaviours designed to regain their control that may make the survivor feel intimidated, fearful, and threatened.

Some of the behaviours may include:

• Threatening to harm or kill the survivor and the children.
• Threatening to take or withhold the children.
• Threatening self-harm or suicide.
• Stalking behaviour such as monitoring the survivor’s movements and making excessive attempts to contact via phone, text messages or email.
• Destroying or withholding property or assets.
• Contacting the survivor’s family or social contacts to obtain information or ‘bad mouth’ them.

High risk of harm indicators

The factors considered particularly high-risk of imminent harm or lethality (homicide) is if the survivor has separated and also experienced the following in the relationship:

• Stalking Behaviour
• Sexual Violence – e.g Rape or when a person is forced or coerced into engaging in sexual acts against their will or consent.
• Non-Lethal Strangulation* – e.g The obstruction of blood vessels and/ or air-flow in the neck resulting in asphyxia (sometimes colloquially referred to as ‘choking’).

*Non-Lethal Strangulation can cause lasting injuries/ health impacts. It is important for the survivor to seek medical attention for assessment if they have experienced non-lethal strangulation.

It is important to listen to the survivor’s story and their perception of their own risk which needs to be taken seriously as they are the experts in their own life and know what they need to keep themselves safe. Survivors should be encouraged to seek help and support from specialist domestic and family violence services who can help safety plan and provide crisis intervention if needed.

Help and support is available

Police

If the survivor and children are in immediate danger, the Police need to be called on 000 for assistance.

DV Connect

There are many specialist DFV services that are available to support survivors including the Domestic and Family Violence Support Line – DVConnect. This service operates 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Phone: 1800 811 811

Website: Https://www.dvconnect.org

DVConnect is a free service that can provide information about abuse, safety planning, crisis counselling, referrals and provide emergency transport and accommodation to escape the violence for the whole family, including pets.

Family law experts – New Way Lawyers

New Way Lawyers are experts in family law and offer legal services for those in domestic violence or family violence situations. They can provide information on the possible Domestic Violence Orders available to you, as well as provide care and support through their client care program. Contact New Way Lawyers for a free 20 minute consultation.

About the author – Renee Craft 

Renee Craft is an experienced family support practitioner having worked in the areas of family dispute resolution, child protection and domestic and family violence. Renee currently works for Save the Children Australia as Team Leader for Refuge and Technical Development, overseeing a dedicated team providing support to women and children at Gareema Refuge. Renee has worked in various leadership roles in the DFV sector, including working with people choosing to use violence and regional service-system governance and coordination. 

Renee is a strong advocate for improved service collaboration to provide holistic survivor-led interventions and support to enhance the safety and wellbeing of families whilst finding pathways of accountability for the person using violence. Renee believes that central to achieving this outcome is listening to the voices of children with intentional, child-inclusive practice that recognises their unique experiences, wishes and needs.